I have Bipolar "Manic depression" a mood disorder!
Right this very second I'm in such a bad low depressive state that I have spent minutes off and on thinking about dying!! how nice it would be to get rid of this horrible dark crappy feeling and to get away from this state of mind. Thinking logically, all I want to do is curl up in my warm bed and sleep for ever! in other words die. This is how I feel right now, this day, this second, nice! and for some of you it will seem like I'm reading your mind where as for others I guess they wont have a clue what I'm talking about and will jump to the conclusion that I'm stupid or mad! yet I have a gift as such. Once you have this Bipolar disorder or mood disorder, you are able to understand many other people but sadly some people with never understand you, something I have experienced in my past.
Work is on my mind as once coming down I begin to hate what I do. The boss has no idea how to deal with me as a normal guy let alone having this to deal with. His fault? Well his wife has depression so yes you would think so but I cant hold my mental illness against him. I hate the words "mental illness" as its so umm mental!! Not one person would raise an eyebrow at a guy with a broken leg or arm but say the magic words "mental illness" and lots of people get so worried and may even avoid you, yet I think I have more people skills and care for others than most! in my opinion.
I feel isolated and very very alone but in one way I need this as When your depression is bad you can't face the world. I have had to go out for food as supplies were low, only to feel so bad while in a large food store that I left my trolley half full of food and walked out. Friends don't really know what to do and I don't want to afflict it on to them, but I so wish they could see the signs and not fall into saying all the wrong things to me that just winds me up and make me sink to an even further depth of crappy state.
Manic depression is a large issue for many people suffering with its conditions. Being depressed is bad enough and I mean real depression, not these people just saying they feel depressed as the rabbit has died!! There is no cause that the medical world can agree on other than it could be in the genes or a physical brain problem. There are trigger points that can bring this on and these can be little things such as an argument with somebody or frustration. I last three years as a rule with an employer as after this time I get so frustrated with how things are done or not done or not being heard, that It starts my depression off. If you have an understanding employer! they could help, but sadly this is rare.
It does make me laugh and make me some what angry when I hear the words "I'm so depressed" when a person has just lost a 10 bet or broken a nail or has had a large bill from the garage!! Stop using this word "Depression" in the wrong place! You will get over it and dam quick I would think. There is organic and inorganic depression I think, organic being when you are born with it or develop it in time, where as inorganic is when you lose your wallet or the like. DONT use the word depression in this manner as it is so far from the real thing.
I know of a few people that suffer with depression other than myself and it is no joke, it takes over your mind and being and even knowing it will pass in time, it still makes you want to die! while your going through it.
Mania
Me though, I don't just get the down side, oh no, I get to swing right up the other end with Mania!! oh yes a double bloody whammy of ups and downs and up and over and bloody down again! And this is when you are trying to work your job and enjoy friends and hold down a relationship! Still single at 41 and I cant see any girl wanting to manage a guy like me with emotional baggage! Can you? Even though I'm liked by many I just cant let anyone in as I feel my bipolar will drive them away at some point.
Bi-polar (Manic Depression) or any mood disorder is a thorn in anyone's side and it has caused no end of emotional pain in my life since I was about 16, so I have been told by doctors. This explains why I think the way I do and why so many people get right on my nerves with the way they behave!! let me swap with you please....
Yes I'm well and truly in my depressive cycle so I had to take a week off work using holiday, no sick time left that is paid for and that is all my holiday gone now. Great way to spend it !! staying home wanting to die!! such fun I have I tell you its amazing... But even as I just wrote that line and am feeling sorry for myself, i n popped the kids and wives of the dead British Army guys being repatriated at Wootton Bassett in Wiltshire. Now that makes me feel bad for feeling bad! Shall I sink lower.......... arse bloody biscuits I hate this,where is the bloody sharp knife gone... ok ok will have a cuppa first. I have to joke for my sanity.
So there is a very very very small in site into how just the depressive nature of Bi-polar gets you. The Manic side is no better as it got me bankrupt, homeless and I lost friends and upset my closest family. I have had lots of sexual partners! So some sort of upside I guess some of you may think but Nah, not really when its just empty lust driven by the mania. Love is what we need but its hard to find.
Anyway next week I will be talking about my left buttock! Don't miss out on the beauty :) Till then chin up and if you have depression right now like myself, just jump off a bridge or watch eastenders for a night!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh the thought of that... yes It was a joke about the bridge. Not funny to most but for me its a dig at how I feel.
On a positive note I'm trying different things to help these moods. Walking along my local river bank is great, fresh air and beautiful views helps me focus. I'm really excited about and have gotten into hypnotherapy in a few ways. Looking at the "Brain evolution system" and others, I will write more on it once I think its working.
This is a 15 min free download that I think is really good. Get some help.
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